A Piece of My Writing: A Letter to My First Country

November 7, 2020

As a transnational adoptee, I have always had a very complicated relationship with my first country. It has taken me until recently to realize that I feel betrayed more than anything. Hurt. Sad. Rejected. Abandoned.

I don’t know how I was separated from my mother. I have never been able to attach the feelings of abandonment to her.

But being separated from my first country, that happened as a result of conscious decisions being made. That’s where I feel the rejection, abandonment, the betrayal.

I share with you, a letter I wrote the other day…

Dear First Country,

I am slowly realizing that the deepest hurt, betrayal, and rejection is the one I feel in connection, or rather in the dis-connect, to you.

I was a baby.

You saw an opportunity.

I needed belonging.

You sent me away.

You let me go.

You did not fight for me.

I hear people talk about feeling proud of one’s country. Like you owe your country something for being born on its soil.

But what did you owe me?

When I needed you the most, to protect me, to embrace me, and to advocate for me.

You did not.

You passed me along.

You let me be taken away.

By people whose personalities, culture, or life would never match with mine.

Did you think that you did a good thing?

As one of yours, as a child, as a baby, is that how you feel you did your best to care for me, look after me, or love me?

I cannot look at you and feel proud.

I want to, with all my soul.

It aches in my heart to see the images, hear the language, taste the food, and feel the music of your people.

The ones that I should be able to call my people.

How do I claim you when you did not claim me?

How do I come to you for comfort when you turned me away?

Why didn’t you fight for me?

Wasn’t I worth your while?

Why did you let me go?

Why did you give me away?

I wish I could come to you for answers.

You betrayed me.

When I needed you the most, you turned your back on me.

I want to love you.

I want to be proud of you.

But you hurt me, broke my heart, and turned your back on me.

I think part of me maybe even hates you for that.

I do not know if I will ever forgive that.

Written by Amanda Medina

As always, I thank you for being here, for taking the time to show up for yourself, and others.

All my love to all of you

Amanda

To all my fellow adoptees,

PS. We are all in this together

Amanda Medina

I was adopted from Medellin, Colombia to Sweden in 1985. I was about a year and a half when I started my life as an adoptee, and it would take 32 years until I was ready to face what that means, what that has always meant, and what that will always mean.