Heavy Heart

November 14, 2020
candles, flames, candlelight

This will never get easier; I will never get used to it, and I hope the day never comes when this kind of news does not weigh heavy in my heart.

Earlier today, I found out about a fellow adoptee mourning his friend who has recently chosen to leave this earth.

I did not know her personally. I do not know any of the immediate circumstances of her life that lead her to make the decision to end her time in this life.

But I know she was an adoptee.

And that is all I need to know to feel her pain and know where she might have come from in her decision to flee the suffering. As a fellow adoptee I can relate to her heartache and see how, at times, life is so dark that the end seems the only comfort and possibility of some light.

My heart is weighing so heavy. Not figuratively speaking.

I feel it in my body, heavy, sad, aching.

And she was not the only one. And she will not be the last.

And I am really struggling, in this moment, to understand how people are willing to turn away from this. To turn their back on adoptees.

Adoptive parents, Hopeful adopters, Happy adoptees, no matter where you position yourself in relation to adoption, no matter what your reality is in relation to adoption…

How does this not hit home?

How do you not stop, pause, and take it in?

How do you not take this seriously?

heart, 3d, stone

Adoptive parents, this is a fellow adoptee of your child. Maybe it is not your child. Maybe it will never be your child. Maybe your child is truly growing up feeling connected to you, maybe you can create the bonds and the safe place your child needs. Maybe you can do all the things right for your adoptee child. But, hearing of an adoptee suffering so much at the hands of adoption that ending her own life, hearing from adult adoptees when we speak of our pain, how do you distance yourself from that so much that you don’t see how you can help by being our ally in working for change in the way people view adoption and in the way adoption is carried out?

You are part of it. You are part of adoption.

Hopeful adopters, this is a fellow adoptee of the child you are hoping to adopt one day. Maybe it will not be your child. Maybe you will be able to do everything right and avoid your child ever feeling the pain of their trauma. Maybe you will be able to provide the safe place they need to grow up without the pain so many suffer. But how can you hear of something like this and not ask yourself if adoption is really the answer? How can you hear of all the pain and all the suffering so many adult adoptees are speaking of and still think that you would like to be part of the equation that leads them to that reality? How can you distance yourself and think that somehow it is worth the risk of one more life in pain, for you to get to adopt?

You are going to be part of it. You are going to be part of adoption.

Happy adoptees, this is a fellow adoptee of yours. Maybe this is not your reality. Maybe it never was, and maybe it never will be your reality. Maybe you had everything you ever wanted and truly have never had any struggles with your adoption. Or, maybe you have had struggles, but you have overcome them and are able to live a full and healthy life. But, hearing of an adoptee suffering at the hands of their adoption, how can you not take that to heart? How can you hear of all the fellow adoptees speaking of their pain and turn around and say “Not all adoptees…” or “Not me”? How can you distance yourself so much from fellow adoptees that their pain is better silenced than seen as a valid reason to investigate the things that may need to be changed? How can you not extend a helping hand and hold space for a fellow adoptee in pain?

sorrow, sadness, light

Adoption agencies, I do not even know what to say to the people working with making adoptions happen as a business. The people who make money from it. The people who are the root cause for so much pain and suffering in the first place.

I do not understand how you can do what you do and not see how much pain and suffering it is leading to.

And, please, understand that I am not saying to ban all adoption. I am not saying to abolish all adoption. I am not saying that adoption should never ever happen or that there is never any reason for adoption to exist.

What I am doing is pleading for people to take us seriously.

To listen and hear the pain behind the anger.

To hear the suffering behind the bitterness.

To hear the fear behind the frustration.

Adoptees are in pain.

Adoptees are suffering.

Adoptees are struggling.

Adoptees are dying.

Not all.

Far too many.

Can we please, start talking about adoption for what it really is and for what it really does?

How many more adoptees do we need to hear about who have suffered so much that leaving life was the only way to comfort?
How many more adoptees do we need to hear about fighting for their life, against the pain, against the loneliness, against the despair?

And who lost that fight? Or, who chose not to fight anymore?

My heart is weighing heavy in the wake of hearing of another fellow adoptee taking her own life and I am struggling with understanding how we are still not taken more seriously by more people…

Thank you for reading.
Thank you for being here. For showing up for yourself. For showing up for others.

All my love to all of you.

Xo
Amanda

To all my fellow adoptees,

PS. We are all in this together.

End of Article
Amanda Medina

Amanda Medina

I was adopted from Medellin, Colombia to Sweden in 1985. I was about a year and a half when I started my life as an adoptee, and it would take 32 years until I was ready to face what that means, what that has always meant, and what that will always mean.

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