Adoptee Story: Justine Thompson
November 20, 2020
Adoptee Story:
Justine, born in Canada, adopted in Canada.
INTRO: Fellow adoptee Justine, shares with us, her adoptee story, in her own words. It is another story I think many adoptees can feel validated in, as she speaks of confusion, guilt, and fear growing up, feeling unable to voice her questions about her adoption. She also shares with us her search and reunion experience, with both of her first parents…
“Hello, my name is Justine Thompson-Clarkin. I was named Michelle Burns at birth by my mother however my name was changed by my birth parents upon my adoption to Justine Thompson. My mother was not supposed to be allowed to see me after I was born because she had already decided on adoption for me, however, a nurse felt sorry for her and allowed her to hold me once. Imagine that, holding your child once knowing you would never see that child again. I cannot imagine her grief. She was 19, had moved out of her parents home when she discovered she was pregnant and became a live in nanny, hiding her secret from everyone, even her own siblings. Even my birth father. She was completely alone. And then, so was I. I was initially placed in a foster home until I became ill with pneumonia and was hospitalized. I then went back to the foster home upon discharge from the hospital and then, at 6 weeks, was finally placed with my adoptive parents and one older, also adopted sister. My parents because pregnant with my other sister a few months later.
I grew up always knowing I was adopted, I can’t remember ever being told. It was just something we knew and my parents tried to make it feel normal, and for a while it did. But I always felt different and because my adoption was so normalized, I didn’t understand those feelings of difference were related to my being adopted,. This left no room for conversation about it. So I grew up with this deep shame and dislike for myself, for taking up space, for being too loud, laughing too hard, talking too much, just being too much. I did not know how to sit quietly and observe like my mother and youngest sister. I was so different and I hated it because I realized from a young age it frightened my mother, that she feared she couldn’t control me, and she was right. This terrified her because she was always so concerned with what others would think. I was a loose cannon when, in fact, all I desperately needed was love and reassurance that I was safe with them. Sadly, there was no space in the discussion for me to speak up and ask for this because remember, my adoption was normal so why would there be issues associated with it? Be a good girl and don’t make noise or cause problems and maybe you will fit . This is what my mind reassured me for years.
So, for years, I struggled to balance the rebellious feelings that came during my teens and being the best adoptee I could be. I drank alcohol at parties with friends, lied about where I was going and still managed to make the honor roll at school. I became promiscuous in college, confusing sex with love and feeling abandoned time and again when things didn’t go the way I wanted. I learned to use sex as a tool, forgetting to ask myself first if it was even something I wanted.
My parent were great parents and I grew up knowing I was loved however, without that safe place for discussion about my adoption, my fears of abandonment grew unchecked. The narrative of adoption is one that is so positive it leaves no place for the discussion of trauma and how it manifests in an adoptee’s life. My mother was quite stoic and conversations about feelings were not easy, ESPECIALLY a conversation about adoption that was viewed by her, and most of society as a wonderful experience.
I was so afraid to be alone that I married into a relationship I knew would fail at 24 and had my daughter at 25. He was emotionally and physically abusive and it took me 4 years to find the courage and strength to leave.
I always knew I would search for my birth mother. As a child I would imagine her coming back for me. This was very confusing to me because I loved my adoptive parents so much. But I spoke to no one about these thoughts, not even my older sister who was also adopted. I pushed down all of these feelings and hid them deep inside and they came out in many different ways over the years. I seemed to gravitate to relationships that were challenging, and picked partners I “knew” I could get. By that, I mean people who needed fixing, whether it was financial help, career change or motivation, even a drug addict. I have spent my whole adult adult life caring for others, I am even employed as a Registered Nurse Only recently have I realized that in doing so, I was able to feel worthy, that a relationship with me was beneficial to these people. That I didn’t think I was enough without having something extra to bring to the table. If I was enough, I wouldn’t have been given away. My brain realizes this is not true, nor is it healthy however reason doesn’t seem to matter to my subconscious thoughts.
I found my birth mother through an adoption disclosure registry at age 27. It was a confidential process where they were to contact her on my behalf first and determine if she was open to contact first. They asked me to write her a letter. I received one letter in response stating she was not open to communication at that time and that there were others involved she had to consider. I was completely devastated. My entire life I had waited for the day I would get to look into her eyes and know my truth, my roots and what tethered me to this earth and like that, that was taken from me. I had no choice in my adoption, and now I had no place in the discussion surrounding reunion. Even if it was only to be one phone call, some questions answered and medical history supplied, it was gone. I grieved as if she had died because in a way, to me, she had. I remember feeling as though I was in a fog for weeks.
Then I became angry which I realize was a part of my grieving process. I joined an online adoptee support group and for the first time, I found voices that spoke of the thoughts and words that had occupied my mind for years. They were speaking my truth and with their voices, had created a safe place for the discussion. I finally stepped out of the fog that is the happy adoption narrative and began to recognize and deal with the trauma adoption has left on my life. I began to search my soul and examine the reasons for the destructive behavior patterns I have manifested over my life. And in doing so, I have been able to accept accountability for the same. I have also become aware of the trauma that caused it which has allowed me to be mindful to avoid similar patterns. It was only through letting go of the current adoption narrative that I was able to do this.
10 years after the first time I found my birth mother I tried again, with the help of a private investor. Within one day, I found her on Facebook. This time, with patience, she was able to connect. We met ten years ago and I have 2 brothers and a sister on that side of the family. We have all worked hard together, had very difficult conversations and many tears but in doing so have become a family. The two sisters I grew up with in my adopted family even spend Christmas with my birth family. I have been able to forgive my birth mother for not being able to provide me the level of love I needed to feel safe. I finally understand she was also a victim of this current adoption narrative, limited by it’s mantra that babies won’t remember so therefore must not be traumatized. I was able to see she did the best she could with the information she had. And isn’t doing our best all we really can do? Finding my birth mother gave allowed me to make peace with my adoptive mother which has been such a blessing.
I also found my birth father and family 10 years ago. Reunion has been much more challenging with him. He was born in Italy, coming to Canada at age 14. There is quite a cultural divide as I was raised in a Ukrainian family. He also lives 3000 miles from me which compounds the challenges. He did not know I was even conceived, much less adopted. I had to decide whether to disrupt his life simply because I needed my history. I chose to be honest with hi. This has been something I continue to struggle with, knowing my existence is not a pleasant surprise, that I am inconvenient. However, when these feelings creep in, I remind myself that I had no part in my conception and subsequent adoption so I should not carry the burden of the feelings that are tied to it.
I write my story today because I truly believe there are adoptees who need to hear these words: I was adopted at 6 weeks old. I didn’t remember my birth mother and I was adopted by a good family who loved me. I also have trauma related to my adoption despite these things My original birth certificate was falsified by my government and sealed, replaced by a fake one that states my adoptive parents gave birth to me. My name was changed and all evidence of my history was erased. Yet my entire life was affected and changed and there was no safe place for me to talk about my feelings, counseling was not even a consideration. Adoption is not all things wonderful. An adoptee should never have to feel grateful for being adopted. Adoptee’s feelings are valid, real and true and ultimately, adoption is about them alone.
This current narrative is one that silences the voices of adoptees and makes us suffer alone, eliminating our chances of leading the healthy life most want for us. Listen to the voices of adoptees without your first response being, “ya but not all adoptees “ because we are the privileged voices in this conversation. And by the way, absolutely, not all adoptees. But far more than you realize.
Be well.
Justine Thompson-Clarkin”
End of Article
Amanda Medina
I was adopted from Medellin, Colombia to Sweden in 1985. I was about a year and a half when I started my life as an adoptee, and it would take 32 years until I was ready to face what that means, what that has always meant, and what that will always mean.
About Us
This Adoptee Life is where adoptees can explore their story, share their experience, and speak their truth, in support and community with fellow adoptees, and the world.
Share Article
Recent Posts
Help me do more
Adoptee Mantra Poster
