Adoptee Story: Chris B.

November 23, 2020

Adoptee Story:

Chris, born in the United Stated, adopted in the United States.

INTRO: Fellow adoptee Chris, shares her adoptee story with us, in her own words. She speaks of the same loss we read about in Kevin’s story just recently. It is a common feature for many adoptees. She speaks of her shift in perception about having children and coming out of the fog…

This Adoptee Life - Adoptee story

October 26, 1966 in Orange, New Jersey a 6 lb baby girl was born.  She would later find out she was given a full name (Maria Louise S….). 10 days later she was taken to start her life with her adoptive parents. 

 

Fast forward… I’ve always known I was adopted but still ( 54 years later) cannot remember being told, how I was told, where I was or what I was thinking.  I blocked it, the only explanation I can come up with.  Been working on it with therapy, but nothing has jogged my memory yet. My childhood was good.  I grew up on a farm, primarily horses along with other animals.  That was my life, my therapy at the time. I did a lot of thinking when riding the horses.  

 

Teenage years were tough. I often locked myself in my room to be by myself. Music was my go to, still is. I would sit for hours listening, thinking & sometimes crying, especially on birthdays & holidays. There were times I had suicidal thoughts. Looking back at pictures, I’m reminded by my sadness as I rarely had a smile on my face, family would often say I was moody with a puss on my face. As an adult looking at those pictures it bothers me so much. It makes me think how sad & mad I really was.  I went through the rebellion years.  Hung with a tough crowd. Started drinking & smoking at very early age, amongst other things.  

I got married at 20 years old. I am blessed my marriage worked & we are still together, 35 years later.  My husband & I rarely talked about my adoption. In fact, I really can’t remember any meaningful conversation about it, because I was “ok”. Why bring it up when all was “normal”.  I can remember never wanting children. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world thinking I couldn’t possibly be a good mother, my bio mother couldn’t mother, how could I? One day it hit me & I thought, I want a human being to be biologically connected with. It all of a sudden was very important to me.  3 children later, I couldn’t imagine life without them. 

 

2018 my granddaughter was born. My daughter asked me the golden question, the question we’re all asked every time we stepped foot into a doctors office, “ you don’t know any medical history from your biological family?”  POW!  Sucker punch!!  That’s when I decided to do ancestry to try & find something, anything. 

 

 

January 2019 results are in.  I had a close match that I really didn’t understand. I thought maybe he was an uncle (I remember being told my bio mother was 16) so the uncle theory seemed legit.  We emailed back & forth a little. Didn’t really get an answer. He wasn’t giving too much info. Fast forward… another close match shows up. Again really can’t figure out the connection. She asked that I do 23andme to see if a cousin showed up. April 5, 2019 results are in.  The cousins showed up as well as a brother.  Turns out my other high matches from Ancestry were siblings as well , from my bio father ( we all have different mothers). I found cousins on my mother’s side too. Everyone was welcoming & it was exciting that I had siblings. 

 

I found out both bio parents were deceased, but I did get a lot of questions answered about them. My bio mother was 29 & he was 39, not 16 like I was told. So why couldn’t they keep me? What was wrong with me that you give your child away? She had a good job that most likely could’ve supported both of us.  I’ll never know if my bio father knew about me, that bothers me every day. Two of my siblings grew up with him, so I do get questions answered & I have seen many pictures. 

 

I sent for my original birth certificate. Again, another sucker punch. My mother named me. I was angry & confused reading that.  I think why would you name me if you were giving me away? Didn’t make sense & now makes me feel like I just don’t know who I really am. I then sent for my non identifier from Catholic charities. That’s where I learned that my grandmother most likely ruled the roost and my mother “ was adamant I wasn’t going to live in their house.”  My thought, you could’ve moved out with me & lived your life, but this woman had a hold on my mother & it was 1966. 

 

I met my one brother & my cousins.  They are great!!  They’re so great, I feel robbed not growing up with them.  

Now the COMING OUT OF THE FOG has set in & it’s the hardest thing I have ever been through.  Some days I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I hurt so bad.  Again, I feel robbed of my childhood with my biological family. I’m angry as hell for so many reasons. I’m grieving 2 people I never got to meet & grieving the life I could’ve had with them.  3 therapists later, I’m working hard to try & understand it all. I have a lot of work ahead of me.  

 

I feel like I’ve played pretend my entire life. Pretending to be someone I’m not.  Who am I? Some days my life really feels fake.  I have the “guilt”with my adoptive parents.  They don’t talk about any of it.  They’ve said some hurtful things & yet I feel guilty for making them feel that way. Hopefully some day soon I’ll be strong enough to understand it all.  Hopefully I’ll get to a place where it’s finally about me.  

 

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. ”  

End of Article
Amanda Medina

Amanda Medina

I was adopted from Medellin, Colombia to Sweden in 1985. I was about a year and a half when I started my life as an adoptee, and it would take 32 years until I was ready to face what that means, what that has always meant, and what that will always mean.

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

About Us

This Adoptee Life is where adoptees can explore their story, share their experience, and speak their truth, in support and community with fellow adoptees, and the world.

Share Article

Square Banner

Recent Posts

Help me do more

Adoptee Mantra Poster

Subscribe to the newsletter to receive important news and updates about This Adoptee Life and the work that we will be doing. 

In the upcoming months, we have some exciting things coming.

Don’t miss out :)