A Piece of My Writing: Mixed emotions

Mixed emotions is an understatement.

I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

There are so many thoughts in my head, and I don’t know where to start.

Have I even made the decision yet?

Am I going to do what I have said my whole life I have no interest in doing?

What changed?

When did I go from not being interested in knowing about my biological family to not being able to go a day without thinking about it?

I always considered myself the success story of what an adoption could be.

I was always the girl who was adopted at a young age, but who was never affected by that.

I never thought of myself as having been abandoned.

I never wondered why my biological mother gave me up, if she gave me up.

I never felt unloved by her, or had any desire to know who she was, where she might be or get to connect with her.

I always did want to go to Colombia, to visit the country, to get to experience the country, the people and the culture.

But I never had a desire for anything more than that.

Until something happened.

I can´t point to an exact moment.
I can´t say exactly what happened or how.

Here I´m sitting at my computer, typing away about being adopted, having joined several groups on facebook for adoptees, having started a group of my own for local adoptees from Colombia, about to start a blog documenting my adoptive experience, and the search for any potential biological family I may have out there.

If I have decided for sure that I am going to do that.

What is the first step? What do I have to do to even get started?

And do I want to?

I have just spent about half an hour scanning all the adoption papers into my computer, to have them handy if I need to send them to whatever group or organization or person will be helping me in the search.

Search for what exactly?

Family?

Siblings?

Mother?

Or MYSELF?

Written by Amanda Medina

October 11, 2017