A Piece of My Writing: Mixed emotions, as I was starting to invite the idea of digging into my adoptee experience…

Mixed emotions is an understatement.

I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.

There are so many thoughts in my head, and I don’t know where to start.

Have I even made the decision yet?

Am I going to do what I have said my whole life I have no interest in doing?

What changed?

When did I go from not being interested in knowing about my biological family to not being able to go a day without thinking about it?

I always considered myself the success story of what an adoption could be.

I was always the girl who was adopted at a young age, but who was never affected by that.

I never thought of myself as having been abandoned.

I never wondered why my biological mother gave me up, if she gave me up.

I never felt unloved by her, or had any desire to know who she was, where she might be or get to connect with her.

I always did want to go to Colombia, to visit the country, to get to experience the country, the people and the culture.

But I never had a desire for anything more than that.

Until something happened.

I can´t point to an exact moment.
I can´t say exactly what happened or how.

Here I´m sitting at my computer, typing away about being adopted, having joined several groups on facebook for adoptees, having started a group of my own for local adoptees from Colombia, about to start a blog documenting my adoptive experience, and the search for any potential biological family I may have out there.

If I have decided for sure that I am going to do that.

What is the first step? What do I have to do to even get started?

And do I want to?

I have just spent about half an hour scanning all the adoption papers into my computer, to have them handy if I need to send them to whatever group or organization or person will be helping me in the search.

Search for what exactly?





Written by Amanda Medina

October 11, 2017

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