A Piece of My Writing: I am not her…anymore

I have mentioned before how I felt I lost myself as a result of coming out of the fog. I am slowly coming to terms with that and I am slowly finding a way to combine the person I was before and the person I am today, trying to harness the strengths in each. I wrote this piece recently as a reflection of the different parts of my life…

 

I am not her…

The person I was born into being.

I am not her.

The baby that was born in Colombia.

I am not her.

She stopped existing when her mother disappeared.

 

I am not her.

The girl my parents were matched with by the adoption agency and the authorities.

I am not her.

The girl in the photo that they sent to my parents.

I am not her.

She is left in Colombia.

My parents did not bring that girl with them.

The girl that was in a foster home.

The girl who went from hand to hand in her first 2 years of life.

The girl whose life I know nothing about today.

I am not her.

 

I am not her.

The adoptee daughter my parents thought I was, growing up.

The strong, independent and reliable daughter that they saw.

The girl who did not need their attention. who needed no one, who was enough in herself.

I am not her.

The girl who grew up and did everything to become who she wanted.

The girl who grew up knowing she would move far away, abroad, somewhere else.

I am not her.

I am not her.

The young adult who did move half way across the world.

Who followed her heart and intuition.

I am not her.

The woman who said that being happy is more important than anything.

The woman who considered herself unaffected.

The adoptee who was deep in the fog, and whose entire life had been drowned in denial.

I am not her.

I am not her.

The person I was before separation.

The person I was before adoption.

The person I was before coming out of the fog.

 

I am not her anymore.

 

I am me,

 

but from having lived an entire life in denial,

thinking I was unaffected by anything,

thinking I was stronger than that,

thinking I suffered no consequences,

to having come out of the fog and having had to realize and accept that the opposite is very much true,

having to let the emotions come to surface that I had pushed down before,

having to process and gain new insights,

feeling like the person I had become was breaking under the pressure of past denials making their way to

the surface…

 

I am still me,

 

I am just not sure who that is anymore…

 

Written by

Amanda Medina

April 27, 2019

 

PS. We are all in this together!

 

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